Dark Night of the Soul
by Rhonwen
Summary: Rumplestiltskin awakens in his old village after his confrontation with Pan and his subsequent "death". He decides that those he left behind are better off believing him dead than to deal with the troubles of a broken man. chapter 1 fixed
1. Chapter 1

**Dark Night of the Soul**

**Chapter 1**

"_The only way for you to die, is if we both die." Rumple struggled with Pan, who was still in his vice like hold. "And now…and now, I'm ready." Plunging the dagger into his father's back, killing them both to save those he loved._

He woke again, feeling the haze lifting from him if only a little further than before, pulling him once more from this continuous nightmare. In his dazed state he realized he was on a floor, dirty, its wood cracked and broken. How many days had he lain here now, the image of his father dying at his hands haunting him?

Each time he used the dagger on his father, he felt himself being pulled away from the emptiness. The cold darkness that he had been sure was death.

Something crawled over him, and his eyes flew open. The pain and glare were so unbearable that it forced his eyes to shut. Too much, too fast he thought. He opened them again, slowly this time. As he did this, he also took note of the noises around him. The tree branches swaying from the breeze, birds chirping and singing, bugs crawling and flying about, and what sounded like a window shutter knocking back and forth. Rumplestiltskin tried to make sense of his surroundings.

He opened his mouth, but it felt dry, too hoarse to speak yet, Rumplestiltskin wondered where he was.

As his eyes continued to adjust Rumple realized this place was an old home. Very old and no longer lived in, and by the looks of it more of a ruin than anything. The sun shone through the holes, in what would have been a roof. Plants and vines had taken over a large part of the walls and floor. Turning to look at the floor, he sighed '_Just how long have I been here_?'

It ached to move, but Rumple had to try. He struggled, grabbing a nearby vine to help pull him up. He felt it give some, but then tighten, and used the little strength he could muster to pull his torso up. After several attempts Rumple grunted, causing a few nearby birds and creatures to take notice of his movement.

Falling back onto the floor, Rumple wiped the moisture from his face. He felt tears washing over the traces of dried ones, and the growth of facial hair. His thoughts were still a jumble as he stared blankly up at the ceiling. Where was he? What happened? He tried to keep a coherent thought but he felt exhaustion sweep over him.

Rumple was again lost to the nightmare_. A group of people he couldn't make out standing by while he and his father confronted each other. Words flew through his dream, worm, happy ending, papa, I love you, you make me stronger, I sent it away with something to hide, but nothing connected. He felt a boy crying for his papa, wondering why he was alone and unloved. He couldn't find this boy, which made him cry all the more. He plunged a dagger into his father again as the nightmare continued to play out for him._

After some time Rumple woke to a new sensation and pain. Thirst and hunger were urging him on. Finding strength to move, Rumple dragged himself over to a small puddle on the floor, serving as a reminder of a recent rain storm that had passed through. He drank from it out of need, and then pulling himself a little further to some berry vines that had spread across the floor and what once was the entrance to this hovel. He ate his fill, leaving nothing left for the birds and insects that scattered at his approach. Looking around trying to figure why this place felt familiar, Rumple used his weakened, dry voice. "What is this place?"

Slowly standing, Rumple held the wall for support. He noticed a table and chairs at the one end mostly eaten away from the decay of time then termites. He looked at the clothes he was wearing. It was the same as in the dream he kept having. Expect now they were torn and soiled. He would repair them while he tried to gain his strength back. As Rumple made his way towards the old chairs he saw something shining out of the corner of his eye. He walked along the walls as best he could to hold himself up and see what the object was.

His eyes widened as he approached the object. It was the dagger from his dreams. He bent to pick it up, his eyes growing bigger as he saw the name on the blade, _Rumplestiltskin_.

Like a force, it knocked him backwards. Memories came rushing back like a torrent, flooding his mind. It was too much to take in, and Rumple slid down to the floor. Memories,_ childhood, papa, Peter Pan, spinning wheel, Milah, losing Bae, Belle, curse, Storybrooke, Neverland, death, it all came crashing back. _Sweating, Rumple glanced at his hands, they were normal; he felt his face, normal. Was he still the Dark One? He didn't feel magic coursing in him, but the dagger still held his name.

He needed to spin and think. To figure where he was, and where he was going, but first he needed food, and fresh water.

Rumple took the dagger and made quick work of the vines blocking the door frame. Still not completely healed or strong, Rumple decided he would just glance at the outside surroundings to get an idea of where he was. He saw a well that was covered by overgrown weeds, an old stone wall that was mostly rubble now. And homes or the remains of homes that had now been claimed by nature and had fallen into ruin or had been burned to the ground. Not a living soul was nearby. Feeling some relief at that, he started to connect the pieces. This was his old home and village where he raised Bae, worked and became the Dark One.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

A week had passed since Rumple woke, with strength and magic slowly returning to his body. With his power coursing back into his veins, Rumple used small measures to fix the house, rid the small inhabitants; both birds and vermin, and he used magic to conjure food. He concentrated on gathering water, supplies, fixing furniture, and getting his home back into the condition it was when he and Bae lived there. Thankfully this work was tiring on his recovering body and he was soon exhausted, and too drained physically to think about what was troubling him.

He ventured outside to clean up the well, and located a bucket still useful for gathering water in its depths. He found wood to use for a fire, and made a stockpile outside the home. The labor was useful to building his strength and energy back. More importantly, Rumple found it cathartic, cleaning his broken soul.

As his body recovered, Rumple's mind was uneasy, and his heart crushed. At night Rumple found himself haunted by the events that happened. The words his father used telling him how he felt. The painful way his father told him that he wasn't worthy of love, a father's love. That even as a baby he was a burden. Rumple's mind kept playing the moment of his father's plea. _'You don't have to do this Rumple. Remove the dagger, we can start over. We can have a happy ending.'_ Did his father mean it? He knew that his father didn't, that he was trying to save himself. But the small boy inside Rumple cried wanting it to be true. He told himself he did the right thing. He had to kill him, but the boy was arguing that now papa will never say he's sorry or that he loved you. _'Because I killed our Papa'_ Rumple told his inner child, curling up and crying over the pain and finality of this.

Every night Rumple's dreams became nightmares. Sometimes the boy would appear to try and stop Rumple from killing their papa. But in the end his father was always dead and the people standing by vanished as Rumple woke.

The next morning Rumple decided to do something about his clothing and the beard that had grown the past few weeks. Summoning a mirror to his hand, Rumple could see just how dirty, and tired his features were. The facial hair told him that he must have been in and out of consciousness several weeks before he truly woke. He estimated that it was now over twelve weeks since that last day in Storybrooke. Rumple wondered if everyone was still there, or had they made it back. He could look, perhaps go to his castle and see. As he considered this, Rumple conjured clothes more the style of this land, and made preparations to bathe and shave.

Thoughts of Belle and Baelfire swirled around him, as he dressed and made his way to the spinning wheel. Taking a seat, Rumple conjured straw, and started to spin. He missed them, he loved them. But fear was quickly taking hold. He had been dead to them for three months now. Surely his appearance would unhinge them. If he could even get to them, would they even know him?

"They would be better off thinking me dead. Bae's happiness is already laid out for him." Rumple felt the need to say this out loud to convince himself of its truth

"Belle's heart would heal and she would find another to love." His words were thick with sadness as he thought of his true love "She could find someone worthy, someone who wouldn't place her in danger. She deserves a real happy ending."

As Rumple spoke this he could hear Belle's reply in his head _'And why do you get to decide who I love? I may never move on to spite you, and then neither of us will have a happy ending. I don't truly believe that is what you want for me, for us.'_

He smiled, at Belle's argument. "No sweetheart that is not what I want."

The Belle in his thoughts smiled _'Good, then in the morning come look for us.'_

Spending the rest of the night spinning, clearing his dark thoughts of having killed his father, Rumple thought of plans should he come across Belle and his son in this land.

At some point during the night Rumple dozed off, having taken his worn body to his bed. His nightmares were taking on a new pattern, his father, no longer looked like Pan, but the man the small boy wanted to be loved by. His face was dead, he looked pale and hollow. He grabbed Rumple and spoke very darkly to him _'You think they will want you, when you so easily murdered your own father?'_ Malcolm pushed and kicked Rumple to the ground _'They don't love you anymore. You said it yourself, you are a villain, undeserving of a happy ending.' _Malcolm grabbed his son, dragging him into an abyss _'You should be dead, like I am.' _As he felt himself being tossed into the darkness Rumple woke falling out of the bed.

Wiping the sweat off his brow, Rumple stood his legs very no longer steady. Feeling despair at his most recent nightmare "You are right Papa. I am too dark and broken now"

Sitting down with some tea to take the edge off, Rumple's thoughts led to Belle. "You can't want this" Rumple gestured to his body "I am damaged, even more than I was before my darling. I killed my father, I am a villain, and my soul is lost." Tears welled at how alone he felt.

Finishing his tea, Rumple made his way back to his wheel. Feeling burdened by centuries of living and madness "I will forget. I will spin, and I will forget."


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

To a passing traveler the home of Rumplestiltskin would seem a common residence. The man himself though was anything but ordinary. In fact, with his current state of mind one would consider Rumplestiltskin erratic and quite mad.

It was puzzling to watch a man who one moment was prone to brilliance, cunning, and exuded the very essence of power. And the next moment see him quivering to the ground, hallucinatory and despondent.

Rumple felt eyes on him still. He felt as if people were calling his name. But this was nonsense, he was alone. No one had been around his home for weeks. He had not dared travel to the Dark Castle. Afraid of finding Belle there and being finding out she could move on, so he sat at his wheel and spun. Spinning to get his mind off of Belle, off Bae, off the looming darkness that would swallow him soon enough. Rumple needed to keep the terrors and hallucinations at bay. And spinning kept him lucid, his mind orderly to plan what he needed to do. But in the distance he heard sounds, they felt close, but he knew they were far away. Too far for him to make out, so he ignored and forgot the voices and instead paid attention to his spinning.

'_Why do you spin so much?' He recalled Belle asking him once._

"I like to watch the wheel. It helps me forget." He spoke to the image of Belle standing next to his wheel.

Before he could speak to Belle, his father Malcolm appeared next to her. "But you aren't forgetting, are you laddie?" Malcolm approached closer, suddenly darker and towering over Rumple. In the distance Rumple could hear voices again, incomplete sentences. Some words he made out but could not figure what they meant _'Papa' 'alive?' 'Weeks'_

Trying unsuccessfully to make out the words Rumple again focused on his father. "How can you ever forget the terrible things you have done..." Malcolm turned to Belle "Rumple killed his father."

Sensing the sadness in Belle, he looked and saw her eyes welling with tears. Somehow a few drops landed on him. "Belle, don't listen to him" Rumple struggled to move but felt weighted down "I sacrificed myself. Did what I had to be done to save you."

"No Rumple." Belle shook her head she turned to walk away, stopping long enough to say the rest "You killed him because you hated him."

Realizing that it was his father, now turned into Pan that was holding him down, Rumple tried to shake him off. Laughing at Rumple's predicament, Pan smiled "You lost laddie, don't you know that by now? You lost her, lost your son, and soon darkness and madness will be all that is left."

"No!" Rumple yelled pulling all his strength and pushed Pan away. "Belle, please come back."

Using his shadow to assist, Pan held Rumple down and forced a fluid into him. "This is madness Rumple." Both Pan and his shadow grabbed Rumple and pulled him towards the dark abyss that formed. "You will join us now." Rumple was falling, not sure where he was going, he lost sight of his father, of Belle. As darkness was consuming him, he still thought he heard the voices. _'Weeks' 'talks' "this potion' "wake up"_

"How long has he been in this state?" Charming paced looking between Robin, Mulan, and several others in their company.

Mulan passing bandages to man wearing battered friar clothing answered. "We found him a few weeks ago. He seemed as if he was attempting to move, but in reality he seemed to be processing events more in his head than anything. He wasn't even aware of us." Mulan looked at the confusion and saw Neal's pained expression. "We've been giving him this potion the Little John and the friar made it helps calm him until he heals."

Neal nodded moving to his father's side next to Belle.

"Yes." Robin turned to Belle who had been pale at the sight of her true love. "We came back to the castle to seek refuge from the recent storm, and we found him in the main hall. Though it seems he may have unknowingly crawled around during an hallucination."

Quiet took the group over for a moment as they looked over at Rumple splayed across the makeshift bed. Bandages covering his chest, scrapes, cuts possibly from hallucinating, attempting to move. Empty potion bottles around to help heal and keep Rumplestiltskin asleep

"This is a change in events, a good one, but we still need to stick to our plan." Charming noted. It was Robin's turn to look between Charming's group now. He moved a bit closer to Snow and Regina. "The Dark Castle is probably the best place to make our home for now. Look for others, and plan then." Snow added

Robin nodded grabbing his satchel and removing a cloth covered object. "I found this next to him. I'm not certain of its importance now, but felt it should be kept safe." Handing the object over to Belle, as the others looked on.

Unwrapping the cloth, Belle and the others saw it was the dagger. Turning it over Belle saw no inscription on it. The only way they were able to tell it was dagger of the Dark One was for the fact that its handle and blade were the same. "Thank you Robin, for taking care of him, and for keeping this safe." Belle stood momentarily to give Robin a genuine hug of appreciation.

The others left Belle and Neal to care for and attempt to talk to Rumple. Neal telling his papa, how proud he was of him. How much he loved him. How both he and Belle needed him back.

Giving Belle a quick kiss on the cheek, Neal took her hand and squeezed it. "My father is the luckiest man to have you in his life." Neal took his leave to join the others in the planning room.

Belle was unable to stop the tears from falling. Seeing her beloved alive, even if he was in a horrible state was more than she could bear. She caressed his face and brow wiping away the tears that fell on his brow.

Belle bent down to kiss him on the lips. "Please wake up my love. I am here now, I will be your strength."


End file.
